pages

November 04, 2013

Jane Eyre


Teman terkasih..

Film ini menimbulkan kembali gairah saya untuk menulis novel. Sudah sejak kuliah, saya ingin sekali menulis novel tapi proyek ketaatan saya selalu tidak bisa saya taati. Semua judul dan plot cerita yang pernah terlintas di benak saya menjadi pudar seiring dengan berjalannya waktu. Bukan hanya relasi saja yang membutuhkan kesetiaan, namun menulis novel juga membutuhkan kesetiaan luar biasa. 

Saya mengagumi kekayaan novel ciptaan Charlotte Bronte yang dituangkan dalam film ini. Menurut saya novel ini layak diangkat dalam layar lebar dan menjadi film alternatif yang bermutu. Saya menonton film ini tiga kali berturut-turut, dan semakin jatuh cinta ketika berusaha mencoba mengerti lebih dalam pesan di dalamnya. Wanita ini, Charlotte Bronte, sangat cemerlang. Dia mempunyai 'X-Factor' dalam hidupnya, yang saya yakin, itulah yang menjadi inspirasinya dalam berimajinasi mengenai tokoh Jane Ayre dalam novel-nya.

Berikut saya ingin berbagi beberapa poin pembelajaran yang bisa kita pelajari dari tokoh Jane Eyre dalam novel karya Charlotte Bronte, khususnya untuk para wanita yang hidup di abad 21 ini. 

1. Cari dan temukan 'personal relationship' dengan Tuhan. Kalau sudah menemukannya, hidupi apa yang kamu tahu benar. Tidak perlu sempurna karena selagi masih manusia kita akan jatuh bangun. Namun, lakukan satu hal yang benar dalam satu waktu. Biasakanlah seperti itu setiap saat. Suatu saat, anda akan melihat hidup dan karakter anda berubah menjadi lebih baik karena kebiasaan itu.
Saya kira, film ini adalah salah satu potret penghormatan kepada Tuhan yang sangat personal. Mengapa personal? Karena cara dia menghormati Tuhan lahir dari pemahamannya yang personal bersama Tuhan. Bukan mengikuti pengalaman dan arahan orang lain. Bukankah sejak kecil bahkan sampai saat ini, seringkali hidup kita diramaikan dengan 'apa yang baik' menurut orang lain (orang tua, pemimpin gereja, teman dan masyarakat)? Bukan maksud saya agar kita tidak mendengarkan nasehat atau pengalaman orang lain, namun lebih dari pada itu, kita mendengarkan dan belajar dari mereka tetapi kita harus 'meramu' semua nasehat dan contoh yang ada di sekitar kita untuk memperoleh pengertian yang personal sesuai konteks panggilan Tuhan yang unik bagi kita.

2. Jadi orang yang mengerti 'hati Tuhan', karena anda akan taat karena anda mengasihi-Nya. Tapi jangan pernah berusaha mentaati satu set aturan yang bertujuan untuk membuat anda diterima atau ingin terlihat baik.
Kadang Saya pikir problematika yang dihadapi sang tokoh, Jane Eyre, dalam film ini sangat mewakili problematika wanita seperti saya. Walaupun dalam kemasan zaman yang sangat berbeda, namun sikap dan prinsip hidup Jane Eyre sangat kontekstual dengan zaman ini. Jane Eyre memberikan pemahaman yang cukup jelas antara batas antara menghormati Tuhan dan mengikuti agama. Konteks yang saya maksudkan sama itu adalah kondisi dimana orang menggunakan nama Tuhan untuk membungkus idealisme pribadi/lembaga untuk memaksakan orang lain mengikuti apa yang mereka pikir benar untuk dilakukan -->abuse rohani. Dan itu sangatlah tidak benar. Dalam film ini ada beberapa tokoh yang saya pikir telah dengan sengaja melakukan abuse rohani kepada Jane. Seperti Mr Brocklehurst, salah satu guru dari Jane, menyebarkan fitnah sejak hari pertama Jane menginjakkan kaki di sekolah itu. Mr Brocklehurst mewakili tipe pemuka-pemuka agama yang terlihat sangat strick dengan satu set aturan agamawi dan meng'klaim tahu apa yang baik menurut Tuhan dan kemudian memakai hal itu untuk menghakimi ketidaksempurnaan/ketidakmaksimalan seseorang menurut cara berpikir mereka.

Hmmm.. Sampai di sini, apakah teman-teman penasaran dengan film ini??
Ayook dicari filmnya, dan segera dinonton. Saya lanjutkan poin pembelajaran dari Jane Eyre. Poin-poin berikut merupakan hasil perenungan saya berdasarkan pengalaman.

3. Menghargai dan mengasihi dirimu sendiri adalah hal yang esensi. Kamu tidak bisa menunjukkan cara mengasihi orang lain tanpa terlebih dahulu mengasihi dirimu. 
Ketika Jane tahu orang dicintainya, telah menikah dengan wanita, dan wanita itu masih hidup, Jane dengan independensinya memutuskan untuk meninggalkan Edward Rochester. Jane memegang rule, bahwa adalah salah ketika menikah orang yang sudah menikah dan pasangannya masih hidup. Tidak peduli seberapa besar Jane mencintai Edward, dia lebih memilih kehormatan dirinya. Saat itu, Jane mempunyai banyak waktu untuk merenungkan dan memikirkan situasi yang sedang terjadi secara menyeluruh dan sampai pada kesimpulannya sendiri. Jane tidak membiarkan Edward meyakinkan dirinya bahwa menikahi Edward dengan status sebagai suami orang lain adalah baik-baik saja. 




4. Kamu dapat menang terhadap masa lalu, sekalipun masa lalu-mu sangat mengerikan.  
Novel ini dimulai ketika Jane berumur sekitar 10 tahun. Ayah dan ibunya meninggal karena tifus sehingga Jane harus tinggal dengan Mr. Reed (orang yang mengadopsi Jane dan Jane menganggapnya sebagai pamannya). Jane sangat dikasihi oleh pamannya, namun sangat dibenci oleh istri pamannya. Setelah pamannya meninggal karena sakit, Jane hidup dalam kesulitan. Setiap hari menjadi korban kenakalan dan kejahilan sepupunya dan kekasaran istri pamannya. Jane akhirnya bisa diselamatkan dari mimpi buruk di rumah pamannya, dengan masuk ke Lowood School untuk para gadis. Sebelum Jane berangkat untuk masuk asrama sekolah, dengan berani ia bertemu dengan istri pamannya dan berani berkonfrontasi. 

Walaupun hidup dalam penindasan, tapi itu tidak membuat keberaniannya memudar, justru mengasah karakternya menjadi anak yang berani menunjukkan sikap. Ternyata lepas dari rumah, tidak membuat hidup Jane menjadi aman. 
Di antara 80 orang anak gadis yang tinggal di asrama sekolah itu, Jane menemukan sahabatnya, Helen Burns. Mereka berbagi kehidupan dan jiwa mereka semakin melekat karena kejujuran antara satu dan yang lain. Helen menjadi sakit karena fasilitas sekolah yang sangat minim. Uang sekolah dipakai oleh Mr Brocklehurst sehingga mereka harus tinggal dalam kamar yang dingin dengan makanan yang sedikit serta pakaian yang sangat tipis. Setelah berjuang beberapa waktu, Helen akhirnya meninggal di pelukan Jane. Satu ungkapan Helen yang menjadi titik balik refleksi Jane terhadap semua bentuk ketidakadilan yang pernah diterimanya dalam kehidupannya: “Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs". 

Jane berhasil mengatasi masa lalu, dan mengubah jalan hidupnya. Saya diperkenankan oleh Tuhan bertemu banyak teladan hidup orang yang berasal dari latar belakang kurang mengenakkan dan mempunyai masa lalu sangat menyedihkan. Namun, ketika mendengarkan mereka bercerita tentang hidup mereka dan melihat hidup mereka saat ini, saya benar-benar kagum, mereka adalah pemenang kehidupan karena mereka berhasil mengatasinya. Bagaimana dengan kamu? Apa masa lalu-mu? Apakah kamu masih hidup saat ini sebagai korban masa lalu atau sebagai pemenang dari masa lalu?

5. Jangan pernah percaya kalau ada seseorang atau budaya yang mengatakan bahwa ada sesuatu yang tidak bisa kita lakukan karena kita terlahir sebagai perempuan. Itu salah.  
Berikut penggalan ungkapan dalam novel/film Jane Eyre ini dan biarkan diri anda terinspirasi: "Women are supposed to be very calm generally: but women feel just as men feel; they need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts, as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, to absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex'. Ini adalah pemikiran seorang wanita yang dipublikasikan pada tahun 1847. Bayangkan, bukankah sampai sekarang, di abad ke-21 ini  masih banyak wanita khususnya di Indonesia yang terperangkap dalam rantai budaya yang salah ini?? Saya juga mengalami korban dari 'budaya' ini. Saya memberikan contoh, di budaya orang Kupang - NTT (note: bukan semua orang NTT seperti ini, saya mengambil contoh ini karena saya adalah korbannya, ha ha ha), seorang wanita dianggap aneh/dicurigai ada sesuatu yang salah jika sampai berumur 30 tahun belum pacaran/menikah. Pertanyaan-pertanyaan mengenai, sudah ada yang mau?? Mungkin terlalu pilih-pilih dan jual mahal makanya belum dapat sampai sekarang. Dan masih banyak bentuk kalimat 'penindasan' lainnya yang masih berkembang biak dengan bebasnya dan mengukung wanita. Mari berpikir, apakah salah satu atau salah dua dari keluarga/tetangga-mu masih mempunyai pikiran seperti ini? He he he, hanya kamu yang tahu.

6. Yang terpenting kejar kecantikan karakter, karena itulah yang akan menjadi hiasan utama seorang wanita. 
Jane Eyre bukan wanita cantik menurut standar konvensional. Dan Mr. Rochester adalah seorang pria tampan. Kehidupan lebih sulit bagi Jane karena dia tidak menarik. Tapi ini budaya Victorian yang menempatkan begitu banyak nilai dalam keindahan yang dikritik habis-habisan dalam film ini. Jane adalah orang yang mengagumkan, terlepas dari dia cantik atau tidak. Memang benar, kadang-kadang kita akan menjadi orang yang lebih bahagia jika kita berhenti untuk memberikan perhatian terlalu banyak tentang penampilan (memang lebih mudah diucapkan daripada dilakukan).

7. Hidup menjadi sebuah petualangan tanpa batas untuk orang-orang yang berani mengambil resiko.  
Jane mencatat, “I remembered that the real world was wide, and that a varied field of hopes and fears, of sensations and excitements, awaited those who had the courage to go forth into its expanse, to seek real knowledge of life amidst its perils". 
Yang dalam bahasa terejmahan saya kira-kira seperti ini: "Saya ingat bahwa dunia nyata adalah luas, dan di sana terdapat medan yang sangat bervariasi dari harapan dan ketakutan, sensasi dan kegembiraan, yang menunggu orang-orang yang mempunyai keberanian untuk berjalan maju untuk mencari ilmu sejati kehidupan yang diperoleh di tengah-tengah bahaya". 
Kalau Jane tidak berani, dia mungkin telah kembali setelah lulus dari Sekolah Loowood ke wanita kejam yang membesarkannya dan tidak pernah mencari sesuatu yang lebih baik untuk dirinya sendiri. Kalau Jane tidak berani, maka dia tidak akan meninggalkan Edward. Jane bisa saja memilih tempat aman yaitu dengan tetap menikah dengan Edward, sang pria kaya dan gagah yang telah jatuh cinta dengannya. Jane bisa saja berpikir saat itu, inilah kehidupan yang menyenangkan yang seharusnya dicicipinya sejak kecil. Namun, ia memilih meninggalkan Edward karena prinsip kehidupannya yang fundamental. Kalau Jane tidak berani, maka dia akan dengan mudah dimanipulasi oleh St. John Rivers yang mempengaruhi Jane untuk menikahinya dengan memakai alasan pernikahan untuk tujuan yang mulia yaitu sebagai misionaris suami-istri ke daerah India. Ayo, apakah kehidupan anda saat ini membosankan? Mungkin salah satunya karena anda ada di posisi nyaman.
 
Demikian 7 pelajaran yang saya dapatkan dari Jane Eyre, semoga bisa menjadi inspirasi buat teman-teman, khususnya para wanita.

Sebagai akhir dari tulisan saya kali ini, saya mengutip beberapa quote yang bagus dalam film tersebut, yang pasti akan membuat anda terkagum-kagum dengan Jane Eyre, sang wanita sederhana, dengan karakter mengagumkan, yang lahir dari imajinasi seorang Novelis bernama Charlotte Brontë.







 




 
   
Semoga 7 pelajaran dari Jane Eyre di atas bisa berguna buat para wanita yang membaca.




With Love,

Maya

October 15, 2013

Don't Abuse Me





Surat terbuka untuk teman:

Saya memang baru akan berumur 28 tahun di tahun depan, tapi tahukah anda, saya hidup 28 tahun dalam arena pertandingan yang sulit. 
Saya memang tergolong muda dalam komunitas kita, tapi saya sudah menjadi tua sebelum waktunya.
Saya memang sering diam untuk mendengarkan nasehat dan persepsi kalian, tapi bukan berarti saya tidak mempunyai kedekatan yang cukup dengan Tuhan untuk mengarahkan hidup saya.
Saya mengasihi dan menghargai arti pertemanan kita dengan scope dan intensitas-nya yang unik, namun itu tidak berarti kalian mempunyai hak untuk men-dikte bagaimana saya harus memaknai persahabatan dengan orang lain apalagi mengatur bagaimana saya harus mengasihi orang lain. 

Teman, tolonglah. Berhati-hatilah dengan persepsi yang didasarkan pada pengetahuan yang kurang lengkap tentang hidup saya atau hidup orang yang kalian bicarakan. Semua orang bisa saja berpendapat, tapi anda harus tahu batas antara berpendapat dengan menghakimi orang lain. Anda tidak pernah benar-benar tahu seutuhnya tentang saya, karena anda memang tidak pernah berjalan sepenuhnya di jalan saya atau jalan hidup orang lain. 

Kalian bilang kalian mendapat pimpinan Tuhan mengenai hidup saya. Sedangkan saya juga menerima pimpinan Tuhan dalam hidup saya. Apa yang kalian sampaikan, saya mendoakan hal tersebut. Namun, jangan paksa saya untuk melakukan apa yang kalian sampaikan karena saya tidak hidup untuk menyenangkan kalian. Saya tidak akan melakukan apapun untuk membuat anda tetap mengasihi saya dan menganggap saya sebagai bagian dari komunitas. Saya akan melakukannya jika Tuhan mengarahkan saya untuk melakukannya. Tapi menggunakan fungsi kontrol sampai anda tega melakukan abuse rohani terhadap saya. Saya hidup untuk menyenangkan Tuhan dan terus merelokasi hati saya di hadapan Tuhan. Saya mengalami tuntunan-Nya, pertumbuhan dilakukan-Nya dalam hidup dan karakter saya.

Saya terus memohon kepada Tuhan, dan mendoakan apa yang kalian katakan. Saya berdoa agar kita dapat berbicara dengan hati dan terbuka semua motivasi di dalam semua statement kita.


Sebelum menulis ini, saya telah mendoakan dan memaafkan kalian. Walaupun sampai saat ini, tidak pernah ada kata maaf karena kalian telah menghakimi tanpa mengkonfirmasi atau mengakuinya.



All for His Glory..


Maya






October 10, 2013

Day 10. The Heart of Worship



Surrender your whole being to him 
to be used for righteous purposes.
- Romans 6:13b -


Surrender is an unpopular word, dislike almost as much as the word submission. But surrendering to God is the heart of worship. It is the natural response to God's amazing love and mercy. We give ourselves to him, not out of fear or duty, but in love.

True worship bringing God pleasure happens when you give yourself completely to God. Offering yourself to God is what worship is all about. This act of personal surrender is called many things: consecration, making Jesus your Lord, taking up your cross, dying to self, yielding to the Spirit.

There are three barriers that block our total surrender to God: fear, pride, and confusion. We don't realize how much God loves us, we want to control our own lives, and we misunderstand the meaning of surrender. 

Can I trust God?
Trust is essential ingredient to surrender. You won't surrender to God unless you trust him, but you can't trust him until you  know him better. Fear keeps us from surrendering, but love casts out all fear. The more you realize how much God loves you, the easier surrender becomes. 

God is a lover and a liberator, and surrendering to him brings freedom, not bondage. When we completely surrender ourselves to Jesus, we discover that he is not a tyrant, but a saviour; not a boss, but a brother; not a dictator, but a friend.

Admitting our limitations
A second barrier to total surrender is out pride. We don't want to admit that we're just creatures and not in charge of everything. Life is a struggle, but what most people don't realize is that our struggle, is really a struggle with God. We want to be God, and there's no way we are going to win that struggle. We aren't God and never will be. We are humans.

What it means to surrender?
Surrendering to God is not passive resignation, fatalism, or an excuse for laziness. It is not accepting the status quo. It may mean the exact opposite: sacrificing your life or suffering in order to change what needs to be changed. It doesn't mean giving up rational thinking. God would not waste the mind he gave you. Surrendering is not repressing your personality. Rather than its being diminished, surrendering enhances it. C. S Lewis observed: "The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become because he made us. You know you're surrendered to God when you rely on God to work things out instead of trying to manipulate others, force your agenda, and control the situation. You let go and let God work. Instead of trying harder, you trust more. You also know you're surrender when you don't react to criticisms and rush to defend yourself. Surrendered hearts show io best in relationships. You don't edge others pit, you don't demand your rights, and you aren't self-serving when you're surrendered.

The blessing of surrender
The Bible is crystal clear about how you benefit when you fully surrender your life to God.
1. You experience peace
2. You experience freedom
3. You experience God's power in your life

Victory comes through surrender. Stubborn temptations and overwhelming problems can be defeated by Christ when given to him. Surrender doesn't weaken you; it strengthens you. Surrender to God, you don't have to fear or surrender to anything else. Nothing is more powerful than a surrendered life in the hands of God.

The best way to live
Everybody eventually surrenders to something or someone. If not to God, you will surrender to the opinions or expectations of others, to money, to resentment, to fear, or to your pride, lust, or ego. You were designed to worship God, and if you fail to worship Him, you will create others things (idols) to give your life to. You are free to choose what you surrender to, but you are not free from the consequences of that choice.

Surrender to God is not the best way to live; it is the only way to live. Nothing else works. All other approaches lead to frustration, disappointment, and self-destruction.
Surrendering your life is not a foolish emotional impulse but a rational, intelligent act, the most responsible and sensible thing you can do with your life.

Sometimes it takes years, but eventually you discover that the greatest hindrance to God's blessing in your lifebis not others, it is yourself, yourself-will, stubborn pride, and personal ambition.

If God is going to do his deepest work in you, it will begin with this. So give it all to God, your past regrets, your present problems, your future ambitions, your fears, dreams, weaknesses, habits, hurts and hang-ups. Put Jesus Christ as a driver's seat of your life and take your hands off the steering wheel. Don't be afraid; nothing under his control can ever be out of control. Mastered by Christ, you can handle anything.

Surrendering is never just a one-time event. Paul said: "I die daily." There is a moment of surrender, and there is the practice of surrender, which is moment by moment and lifelong. You must make it a daily habit. When you decide to live a totally surrendered life, that decision will be tested. Sometimes it will mean doing inconvenient, unpopular, costly, or seemingly impossible tasks.


Question to Consider:
What area of my life am I holding back from God?




September 19, 2013

.. capture her smile



You know what keeps me fighting?
Is that i know that even though no one else is here, 
no one else cares, no one else loves me, I know you do. 
I have a sister, a soul mate that knows me, loves me, cares for me and would do anything to help me get better especially every time i have been hurt.
When I remember that you are here, I feel a little bit stronger, i have more faith in my life now than ever before, because our friendship is a gift from GOD, and i never want to loose that.

......

You know one thing that make me always wanna to fight?
Everytime i remember your smile.
I capture in my heart.
I will always remember, who you are.
The person inside.
And the vision in the future.
I capture it and pray, and I will fight.
We will fight together.
Love you, always.

September 15, 2013

Day 9.What Makes God Smile?




May the Lord smile on you
Number 6:25

The Lord is pleased with those 
who worship him and trust his love.
Psalm 147:11

The smile of God is the goal of your life. 
Since pleasing God is the first purpose of your life, your most important task is to discover how to do that. The Bible gives us an example of life that gives pleasure to God. The man’s name was Noah. From his life we learn the five acts of worship that make God smile.

1. God smiles when we love him supremely.
Noah loved God more than anything in the world, even when no one else did. Noah consistently followed God’s will and enjoyed a close relationship with Him. This is what God wants most from you: a relationship. God made you to love you, and he longs for you to love you, and he longs for you to love him back. he wants you to know him and spend time with him. his is why learning to love God and be loved by him should be the greatest objective of your life. Jesus called it the greatest commandment.

2. God smiles when we trust him completely
Noah trusted God, even when it didn’t make sense. When God asked Noah to build a giant ship, Noah didn’t complaint or make excuses. It took 120 years to build the ark. He faced many discouraging days. He trusted God completely even though he has a lot of questions and doubts. Trusting God completely means having faith that He knows what is best for your life. You expect him to keep his promises, help you out with problems, and do the impossible when necessary. In what areas of your life do you need to trust God completely?

3. God smiles when we obey him wholeheartedly
Noticed that Noah obeyed completely (no instruction was overlooked), and he obeyed exactly (in the way and time God wanted it done). That is wholeheartedness. That means doing whatever God asks without reservation and hesitation. Understanding can wait, but obedience can’t. Instant obedience will teach you more about God than a lifetime of Bible discussions. In fact, you will never understand some commands until you obey them first. Obedience unlocks understanding. We please God by what we do, and not only by what we believe.

4. God smiles when we praise and thank him continually
God smiles when we express our adoration and gratitude to him. We praise God for who he is, and we thank God for what he has done. An amazing things happens when we offers praise and thanksgiving to God. When we give God enjoyment, our own hearts are filled with joy.

5. God smiles when we use our abilities
You may feel that the only time God is pleased with you is when you’re doing “spiritual’ activities like reading the Bible, attending church, praying, or sharing your faith. And you may think God is unconcerned about the other parts of your life. Actually, God enjoys watching every detail of your life, whether you are working, playing, resting, or eating. He doesn’t miss a single move you make. Every human activity, except sin, can be done for God’s pleasure if you do it with an attitude of praise. Like a proud parents, God especially enjoys watching you use the talents and abilities he has given you. 


God doesn’t wait for you to reach maturity before he starts liking you. He loves and enjoys you at every stage of your spiritual development. What God looks at is the attitude of your heart.


Taken from Purpose Driven Life.


God bless,
Maya



September 10, 2013

Kesembuhan dan Keadilan



Hati saya hancur berkeping-keping menyaksikan begitu banyak manusia dengan roh iblis di dalam-nya. Orang-orang ini tega melakukan perbuatan keji dan tidak berhenti di situ, mereka menghantui kehidupan, bahkan mematikan kehidupan seseorang.

Luka batin sebelumnya belum sembuh, dan harus menghadapi luka batin berikutnya. Berlapis-lapis sakitnya. Tak ada waktu untuk bisa menarik napas lega.

Serasa dalam setiap tarikan dan hembusan napas, wajah mereka selalu ada. Menunggu, untuk melakukannya lagi.. Dan lagi..

Jauh dan dekat tak berpengaruh. 
Mereka datang sesuka hati, ke negara orang lain, dan berbuat sesuka hati mereka.
Tak ada yang dapat menyentuh mereka, bahkan hukum.

Telah berusaha melaporkannya ke pihak yang katanya membela dan melindungi 'the victim', tapi seolah-olah hukum tak berdaya dalam kasus ini.

Hukum dapat dibayar.
Hukum dapat dimanipulasi.
Hukum tak dapat membela yang membutuhkan pembelaan.
Hukum memihak kepada yang berkepentingan.

Hukum menunggu sampai dia terbunuh, barulah bukti menjadi lengkap.


Apa mereka tidak tahu, bagaimana arti penegakkan keadilan ini sangat menentukan kesembuhan kehidupan seseorang.




 

August 26, 2013

PREVENT - Choosing a Life Partner



Today, i read an email from one of my best friend (kezzy), and i want to share this one in my blog, especially for single ladies out there.. Keep doing 'PREVENT'..

The best preparation for marriage is first to BE the right kind of person. You can start working on this area, even before anybody special comes along. Most young people who rush into a steady relationship are insecure, and do not want to make the effort of getting to know many other young men/women. Because they lack confidence in their ability to carry on a conversation, or to meet others, they may choose a steady relationship to cover up their inadequacies. 

So first, learn to like yourself: 
If you are carrying a burden of past failures, rejections and embarrassing events, let them go, and start living again.
Make a list of your strengths & weaknesses, and look at ways you can overcome the weaknesses.
Never compare yourself with others – you are not competing with anybody else in the world.
Give of yourself to others (Remember the Random Acts of Kindness club).
Ask God to make something beautiful out of your life.
When someone special does come along, increase the personal prayer and devotional time. God is even more interested in this friendship and your happiness than you are!

   Marriage is for life, for better or for worse. There is nothing temporary or seasonal in it. Selecting a marriage partner is a permanent decision, a choice that “affects the after life both in this world and in the world to come.” The Ministry of Healing, p.359. Yet a number of individuals select a life companion with less thought than they use in selecting a house or a vehicle. They do not know what characteristics are needed for a successful family. They are ignorant of the enduring qualities so essential for a happy home.
Before choosing a life companion both the man and the woman should ask themselves all ten of those questions:

   Does he (she) have a good character?
A weak character can never make a strong companion. Cheating in an exam, telling little white lies, or failing to return borrowed articles may seem far removed from the question of homemaking, but a man or a woman who is careless in meeting promises, or shady in dealings, is likely to be undependable to his or her companion. How does the individual relate to his home and family – positively or negatively? Does he contribute sunshine, joy and happiness? The kind of loyalty one gives his home indicates the kind of person he is.
Of course, the supreme test of character is revealed in one’s relationship to God and to His commandments. Does he enjoy worshipping God, keep the Sabbath, attend church, take an active part in community outreach, have his private devotions, and long for Jesus to come? A person with a good character is never a bully nor boastful, neither a dictator nor a slave. He is a man of principle, a person who will do all in his power to make his marriage a success, his home a happy place to be.

   Does he (she) value good health?
It’s not enough to know that your friend is in good health at the moment, and free from disease. Does he value good health enough to protect it and keep it? The one who boasts about his late hours, unhealthy eating and his iron nerves that can stand all stresses, is probably looking for a nurse, not a wife. The woman who cannot be bothered to exercise regularly, and doesn’t care what she eats or when she eats, may need a hospital, not a home in the future. Avoid the extremes-those who are constantly talking about their aches and pains, and those who never give health a second thought. The person, who is balanced in his work, gets enough water and fresh air and sunshine, is cheerful and happy, is likely to be healthy for a long time.

   Is he (she) intelligent?
Only intelligent people should marry. One whose IQ is below 70 would not be able to carry the duties and responsibilities of a home. Equally important is the kind of discipline one gives his mind. Cheap, trashy reading weakens the mind, while good wholesome reading strengthens the mental faculties. The music one hears also has an effect on the thinking process. The books, paper and magazines one reads during his leisure hours, the pictures one sees, both still and moving, indicate the kind of person he is, “for as (s)he thinketh in his heart, so is (s)he.” (Proverbs 23:7)

   Is he (she) emotionally balanced?
Marriage does not cure mental disorders. One who is emotionally disturbed is in no condition to marry. But how can anyone tell whether someone is emotionally unbalanced or not? The answer is much simpler than many suppose at first. Let’s look at some of the signs:
Good signs: he (she) is happy. The cheerful, contented individual who has a smile and a pleasant word for all is a most delightful person to have in any home. Seldom does a happy person have a mental disorder.
Warning signs: avoid the person who is always gloomy, morose, moody, or easily discouraged. One who is discontented, who is constantly whining, a chronic complainer, always criticizing, is certainly a most disagreeable partner.
Good signs: he (she) has stamina, determination, endurance. Though problems may arise, he (she) stays by the job until it is finished. She (he) has a worthy goal and reaches it.
Warning signs: he (she) gives up easily or blames others for his (her) mistakes. He is easily discouraged, changes jobs frequently, begins many courses in school but drops them before completing them.
Good signs:  gets along well with others. Respectful and courteous to his (her) superiors, kind and thoughtful to those younger and pleasant to his (her) equals.
Warning signs: sensitive, suspicious, jealous, envious. Thinks the neighbors persecute him (her), the boss has it in for him (her), his (her) schoolmates do not like him (her), and the world is against him (her). Definitely avoid this person as you would the plague.
Good signs:  able to make his (her) own decisions, to think a situation through, to solve his (her) problems, to control his (her) emotions.
Warning signs:  worries a great deal, has anxiety, abnormal fears, is easily upset, becomes angry over trifles, easily led, and goes with the crowd.
Good signs:  gives major time to major items, less time to minor things. Is conscientious, sincere, is a man (woman) of principle.
Warning signs:  extremist, fanatical, overly concerned over minor matters.

   Can he (she) take responsibility?
What does he (she) do with his (her) time, his (her) money, his (her) talents now? One who can do the right thing at the right time in the right way can take responsibility. He (she) can plan his (her) work and the work his (her) plan. His (her) daily schedule reveals a balanced program of work and rest, study and recreation, of caring for his (her) personal needs and his (her) obligations to others. No one in debt is ready for marriage. Certainly before one takes on the financial obligations of a home, one must be able to live within his (her) income. The extravagant, spender, the waster, is a handicap to any marriage no matter how much money he (she) may have. One who can take responsibility improves his (her) talents and seeks thereby to help others.

   Do you love him (her)?
Mature love is interested in people and uses material things to express it. Immature love is interested in things and uses people to get them. Do you delight in making him (her) to succeed, or is your main concern to see that he (she) makes you happy, that he (she) contributes to your success? Love is from God and will draw one closer to God. Love never leads to sin, never goes contrary to a “thus saith the Lord.” According to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, love suffers long, is kind, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, while infatuation, envies, vaunts itself, is puffed up, behaves itself unseemly, seeks her own, is easily provoked, thinks evil, rejoices in iniquity and fails.

   Do you accept his (her) relatives and friends?
When the two of you become one, his (her) parents become your parents, his (her) brothers and sisters are your brothers and sisters. The children will inherit characteristics from his (her) uncle and aunt just as much as from your uncle and aunt. In one sense of the word, you do marry the family. Do you feel inferior to his (her) relatives? If you do you can never be your best as a companion in the presence of his (her) people. Do you feel superior to his (her) people? Then you can never accept your companion as an equal, for he (she) is kin to them. One is judged by the friends he (she) chooses. To reject his (her) friends is to partially reject him (her).

   Do his (her) relatives and friends accept you?
Relatives do have a right to say who shall become a member of their family. It is their duty to protect their good name and to uphold the family standards. After all, a marriage that has the acceptance and the blessing of the relatives is far more likely to succeed than the one without it.

   Do you have the same interests?
Companions need to have similar aims and interests in life.
(a)    A shared religion is important because it affects our way of life. If the paths are different, they cannot walk together. When children arrive, the problems increase.
(b)   The same race, social levels, speaking the same mother tongue, knowing the same habits and customs usually simplifies living. The relationship should be one of equality.
(c)    They should be in the same age bracket, so they can keep up with such family transitions as baby’s play going to school programs, teen-age friends, the daughter’s wedding, to baby-sitting grandchildren.
(d)   They should be companions in their career or ministry, but not competitors. A similar level of education ensures that there are plenty of thoughts and ideas to share with the partner.

   Do you want him (her) as he (she) is?
If you feel that your mission in life is to reform him (her) correct his (her) English, watch his (her) manners, and make a man (lady) out of him, you should think of adopting him(her) but not of marrying him (her)! Marriage is for adults only, for those whose habits are already formed, whose training period is in the past. Do you admire him (her) as he (she) is, and do you feel secure in his (her) presence? Does he (she) inspire you to do your best and to be your best? When you are with him (her), is it easier to be sweet, charming, noble and pure? 

Remember how to PREVENT stress? These tips will help you to be a nicer person to know and will help you in all your relationships.

P - Pray –share everything with God
R - Relaxation and sleep
E - Exercise 3-5 times a week
V - Viewpoint – attitude towards stressors
E - Eating healthfully – no harmful substances
N - Neighborly kindness
T - Time management & organization

By Archa O Dart (Former Assistant Secretary, Department of Education

General Conference of Seventh Day Adventists)

(Adapted by Dr. Carol Tasker 2008)