PREVENT - Choosing a Life Partner

Today, i read an email from one of my best friend (kezzy), and i want to share this one in my blog, especially for single ladies out there.. Keep doing 'PREVENT'..

The best preparation for marriage is first to BE the right kind of person. You can start working on this area, even before anybody special comes along. Most young people who rush into a steady relationship are insecure, and do not want to make the effort of getting to know many other young men/women. Because they lack confidence in their ability to carry on a conversation, or to meet others, they may choose a steady relationship to cover up their inadequacies. 

So first, learn to like yourself: 
If you are carrying a burden of past failures, rejections and embarrassing events, let them go, and start living again.
Make a list of your strengths & weaknesses, and look at ways you can overcome the weaknesses.
Never compare yourself with others – you are not competing with anybody else in the world.
Give of yourself to others (Remember the Random Acts of Kindness club).
Ask God to make something beautiful out of your life.
When someone special does come along, increase the personal prayer and devotional time. God is even more interested in this friendship and your happiness than you are!

   Marriage is for life, for better or for worse. There is nothing temporary or seasonal in it. Selecting a marriage partner is a permanent decision, a choice that “affects the after life both in this world and in the world to come.” The Ministry of Healing, p.359. Yet a number of individuals select a life companion with less thought than they use in selecting a house or a vehicle. They do not know what characteristics are needed for a successful family. They are ignorant of the enduring qualities so essential for a happy home.

Before choosing a life companion both the man and the woman should ask themselves all ten of those questions:

   Does he (she) have a good character?

A weak character can never make a strong companion. Cheating in an exam, telling little white lies, or failing to return borrowed articles may seem far removed from the question of homemaking, but a man or a woman who is careless in meeting promises, or shady in dealings, is likely to be undependable to his or her companion. How does the individual relate to his home and family – positively or negatively? Does he contribute sunshine, joy and happiness? The kind of loyalty one gives his home indicates the kind of person he is.

Of course, the supreme test of character is revealed in one’s relationship to God and to His commandments. Does he enjoy worshipping God, keep the Sabbath, attend church, take an active part in community outreach, have his private devotions, and long for Jesus to come? A person with a good character is never a bully nor boastful, neither a dictator nor a slave. He is a man of principle, a person who will do all in his power to make his marriage a success, his home a happy place to be.

   Does he (she) value good health?

It’s not enough to know that your friend is in good health at the moment, and free from disease. Does he value good health enough to protect it and keep it? The one who boasts about his late hours, unhealthy eating and his iron nerves that can stand all stresses, is probably looking for a nurse, not a wife. The woman who cannot be bothered to exercise regularly, and doesn’t care what she eats or when she eats, may need a hospital, not a home in the future. Avoid the extremes-those who are constantly talking about their aches and pains, and those who never give health a second thought. The person, who is balanced in his work, gets enough water and fresh air and sunshine, is cheerful and happy, is likely to be healthy for a long time.

   Is he (she) intelligent?

Only intelligent people should marry. One whose IQ is below 70 would not be able to carry the duties and responsibilities of a home. Equally important is the kind of discipline one gives his mind. Cheap, trashy reading weakens the mind, while good wholesome reading strengthens the mental faculties. The music one hears also has an effect on the thinking process. The books, paper and magazines one reads during his leisure hours, the pictures one sees, both still and moving, indicate the kind of person he is, “for as (s)he thinketh in his heart, so is (s)he.” (Proverbs 23:7)

   Is he (she) emotionally balanced?

Marriage does not cure mental disorders. One who is emotionally disturbed is in no condition to marry. But how can anyone tell whether someone is emotionally unbalanced or not? The answer is much simpler than many suppose at first. Let’s look at some of the signs:

Good signs: he (she) is happy. The cheerful, contented individual who has a smile and a pleasant word for all is a most delightful person to have in any home. Seldom does a happy person have a mental disorder.

Warning signs: avoid the person who is always gloomy, morose, moody, or easily discouraged. One who is discontented, who is constantly whining, a chronic complainer, always criticizing, is certainly a most disagreeable partner.

Good signs: he (she) has stamina, determination, endurance. Though problems may arise, he (she) stays by the job until it is finished. She (he) has a worthy goal and reaches it.

Warning signs: he (she) gives up easily or blames others for his (her) mistakes. He is easily discouraged, changes jobs frequently, begins many courses in school but drops them before completing them.

Good signs:  gets along well with others. Respectful and courteous to his (her) superiors, kind and thoughtful to those younger and pleasant to his (her) equals.

Warning signs: sensitive, suspicious, jealous, envious. Thinks the neighbors persecute him (her), the boss has it in for him (her), his (her) schoolmates do not like him (her), and the world is against him (her). Definitely avoid this person as you would the plague.

Good signs:  able to make his (her) own decisions, to think a situation through, to solve his (her) problems, to control his (her) emotions.

Warning signs:  worries a great deal, has anxiety, abnormal fears, is easily upset, becomes angry over trifles, easily led, and goes with the crowd.

Good signs:  gives major time to major items, less time to minor things. Is conscientious, sincere, is a man (woman) of principle.

Warning signs:  extremist, fanatical, overly concerned over minor matters.

   Can he (she) take responsibility?

What does he (she) do with his (her) time, his (her) money, his (her) talents now? One who can do the right thing at the right time in the right way can take responsibility. He (she) can plan his (her) work and the work his (her) plan. His (her) daily schedule reveals a balanced program of work and rest, study and recreation, of caring for his (her) personal needs and his (her) obligations to others. No one in debt is ready for marriage. Certainly before one takes on the financial obligations of a home, one must be able to live within his (her) income. The extravagant, spender, the waster, is a handicap to any marriage no matter how much money he (she) may have. One who can take responsibility improves his (her) talents and seeks thereby to help others.

   Do you love him (her)?

Mature love is interested in people and uses material things to express it. Immature love is interested in things and uses people to get them. Do you delight in making him (her) to succeed, or is your main concern to see that he (she) makes you happy, that he (she) contributes to your success? Love is from God and will draw one closer to God. Love never leads to sin, never goes contrary to a “thus saith the Lord.” According to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, love suffers long, is kind, rejoices in the truth, bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, while infatuation, envies, vaunts itself, is puffed up, behaves itself unseemly, seeks her own, is easily provoked, thinks evil, rejoices in iniquity and fails.

   Do you accept his (her) relatives and friends?

When the two of you become one, his (her) parents become your parents, his (her) brothers and sisters are your brothers and sisters. The children will inherit characteristics from his (her) uncle and aunt just as much as from your uncle and aunt. In one sense of the word, you do marry the family. Do you feel inferior to his (her) relatives? If you do you can never be your best as a companion in the presence of his (her) people. Do you feel superior to his (her) people? Then you can never accept your companion as an equal, for he (she) is kin to them. One is judged by the friends he (she) chooses. To reject his (her) friends is to partially reject him (her).

   Do his (her) relatives and friends accept you?

Relatives do have a right to say who shall become a member of their family. It is their duty to protect their good name and to uphold the family standards. After all, a marriage that has the acceptance and the blessing of the relatives is far more likely to succeed than the one without it.

   Do you have the same interests?

Companions need to have similar aims and interests in life.

(a)    A shared religion is important because it affects our way of life. If the paths are different, they cannot walk together. When children arrive, the problems increase.

(b)   The same race, social levels, speaking the same mother tongue, knowing the same habits and customs usually simplifies living. The relationship should be one of equality.

(c)    They should be in the same age bracket, so they can keep up with such family transitions as baby’s play going to school programs, teen-age friends, the daughter’s wedding, to baby-sitting grandchildren.

(d)   They should be companions in their career or ministry, but not competitors. A similar level of education ensures that there are plenty of thoughts and ideas to share with the partner.

   Do you want him (her) as he (she) is?

If you feel that your mission in life is to reform him (her) correct his (her) English, watch his (her) manners, and make a man (lady) out of him, you should think of adopting him(her) but not of marrying him (her)! Marriage is for adults only, for those whose habits are already formed, whose training period is in the past. Do you admire him (her) as he (she) is, and do you feel secure in his (her) presence? Does he (she) inspire you to do your best and to be your best? When you are with him (her), is it easier to be sweet, charming, noble and pure? 

Remember how to PREVENT stress? These tips will help you to be a nicer person to know and will help you in all your relationships.

P - Pray –share everything with God

R - Relaxation and sleep

E - Exercise 3-5 times a week

V - Viewpoint – attitude towards stressors

E - Eating healthfully – no harmful substances

N - Neighborly kindness

T - Time management & organization

By Archa O Dart (Former Assistant Secretary, Department of Education

General Conference of Seventh Day Adventists)

(Adapted by Dr. Carol Tasker 2008)